It hurts because you’d still want me
Even though everything I’ve done felt like a back-stab.
I don’t understand how this came to have happened
It was like I was stolen in this game of hearts
I could be choosing heaven over hell;
Fire over ice,
But I don’t care.
But remember that I did love you and you don’t owe me to be so alone….
because I love you
You’ve robbed me of my heart.
You took away the very breath I breathe.
I’m trying to love you but it’s so hard to do just that.
Loving you is causing me to become a reminder of what past I had.
It’s like being alive but not breathing when the very fibers of my heart belongs to you
There’s nothing that would make me feel more or less happy than to see you again.
My prolonging of feelings makes me so very misshaped that I lose the very essence of sanity.
Instead, I am like a madman wandering
But deep down in my mind you’re still in it and the very contents of my soul reside in you.
I am trying to grasp what lies now hidden in my heart.
Like a robber and a thief; glimpses are stolen and life by no means has a cause because it lies behind tinted windows and doesn’t mean a thing.
Stop talking about temporary forevers.
In my life they never seem to happen like they should.
I will wait willingly until forever is just not temporary anymore.
Stars never die some people say, but they diminish. They diminish into this vast space making stardust.
Admit it. I was never your stardust angel to begin with.
And when I found that there were things and places and people greater than me,
I guess I had given up.
I broke down and realized that even after everything that was said and done,
I gave up because I could never be your stardust angel.
I will wait for you willingly; until forever becomes forever.
Until dimming stars diminish.
But forget about all this talk about temporary forevers and stars….
Because it came to the point where you were my reason to breathe.
I can’t remember a day I was young. Only now I get these mere glimpses of myself as a child.
“Will you remember me as we get older?”
It’s been a couple of years since Patricio died.
“Do you remember me when we were young?”
Patricio was out there talking to me as though I wasn’t the one who had watched him grow from a young boy into a man.
“Still. Why won’t you let me touch you Angie?”
He put his hand on my lap.
“Is it because….???”
I closed my eyes as I flicked my second to last cigarette butt on the floor.
The radio played.
“My gosh the music changes.”
My younger brother was a CIA agent.
He helped from time to time.
My sanity was all I had at the time, but the times were changing.
My brother was soon leaving to Washington state.
My second youngest going to Hawaii to invest in some bills from our mother from out of American state.
My two other brothers were in the military doing time.
First my boyfriend John, then Patricio.
I deteriorated knowing I’d lose my sanity.
Soon there’d be no replacement for me too in Washington state so I packed what little I had and followed my younger brother back to Washington.
I missed Patricio a lot.
It’s been a long time since O’Daley died in a car accident.
Hell. We were all ex-CIA before Patricio died.
***
It was a clear Louisiana morning. Patricio just went into a nearby record shop.
My god he was hot.
He had every girl’s eyes on him.
Fucking heartthrob.
“I’m looking for a Miss Megan Hart Certeza.”
A dark skinned man came out to greet him.
I can’t tell you where she is sir.
Mr. Dupree was not one to tell them all my secrets.
Patricio wasn’t easily going to go. Patricio grinned whipped out his gun and held it to Mr. Dupree\\\’s head.
One thing about Dupree was that he was the family\\\’s shapeshifter and Patricio knew that. But Patricio, one thing about him was that he was very fast so he whupped him with the gun and now he lies dead right where the spiders wanted him.
Dupree used to tell me,
“Every fly’s weakness is honey.”
Patricio didn’t know that because I never told him what Dupree told me to tell him.
I thought Dupree was a’lyin to me.
You see Particio drove a motorcycle almost all the time.
“Every night Pato, I have this dream that you’re in a motorcycle crash.”
“Really Megan? Me?”
I scoffed.
“Well someday you\\\’re gonna crash that thing…. Pato.”
He looked up into the night sky as if he knew. He knew that he’d die.
***
But now that I look back, Patricio was wildly uncontrollable and stubborn.
Patricio was on a plane to Guam.
I feel like I was the last one to see him go.
I had joined the military since 1948.
Ever since my pops left to find mom.
It wasn’t until Frankie Thomas decided to bash him into a car on his motorcycle that I knew my story wasn’t over. Pato had kids and seeing him die put me in a state of shock.
John then died in a car accident played out by Thomas Avila. It was out of control. My friends kept dying everywhere I went.
Dear Pato,
I can’t remember a day I was young. Only now I get these mere glimpses of myself as a child.
Maybe you’ve loved me in another life,
maybe we met in some frosty, snow covered look-alike pale wonderland where you actually held my hands and danced with me in another galaxy….
Maybe we could’ve loved each other where you actually felt feelings for me.
Maybe you didn’t have to push me away and abandon me in this life and forget about me to leave me and my memories to myself….
but honestly; unfortunately; you did.
Maybe in another life you didn’t do all this.
maybe in another life; you cared…..
somehow fate has it in for you and me.
You surround me in light and enshroud me in your goodness.
I love you
and
you’re amazed by me; and I can tell.
Fate will bring me to you and destiny shall soon come to pass.
Your smile; your subtle glimpses, the way your eyes long for me;
that’s how I know I’m loving you tonight…..
His favorite colors changed from green to red to black. He took his hands and wrote poetry about dangerous things such as myself. I sometimes wonder; am I still being written inside that diary you hold so dear to you??? Why can you not see I love you? As time goes by, do you not realize how much I wish to be with you? You took up the paintbrush and easel and started painting. what do you paint with that easel full of paint and the brush. I wish to be the canvas you paint upon a future with. I wish you’d brush me with your soft pale lips against the red of mine and I know you wanna kiss me…. Baby I love you and I understand how much pain in your heart you seem to have.
Kiss me once more and make me fall in love again…… Will you not?
For I am a canvas waiting to be painted upon and I do….. I do love you.
Yes I am waiting. I will wait for you.
You make me do thee inevitable.
I just want to kiss your soft lips and love you till your toes begin to curl.
In other words I want to kiss you in all the right places till you’re uncomfortable and kiss you and steal all your smiles.
I wanna kiss you
And keep kissing you.
You are my light; you kept me warm in the darkness.
You are my earth; you kept me and my expectations grounded.
You are my stream; you quenched my thirst.
You are my Summer breeze; you kept me sane in exhilarating heat.
You are my fire; you kept my fire burning in my heart whenever I think it’s still cold.
You are my four seasons when I think the world is ending;
You are my angel in disguise
And I’d turn to you….
I keep finding men who are just like you.
I’m looking at you and you have no clue.
I swear to god I’m in love with you.
I love everything about you and that is true.
I love you
Do say
You’ll love me too.
My health deteriorates when you’re gone. My heart suddenly thumps in anxiety.
I feel like I’m dying; like my suffocation was endless.
I sit quietly because you are not there.
My eyes rove on into the mystic of distances I cannot seem to find.
But then I see you.
I begin to blush and giggle.
My heart is excited; I forget at once it is beating.
But you looked at me.
You see, in conclusion, it was always hard for me to reveal sentimental feelings.
But never with you….
My eyes light up at the very sight of you turning your head and smiling
at
me.
Don’t let anyone put you down because baby, you’re beautiful.
And I’ll love you if no one else can.
***
To the girls who try their hardest, love him and cherish his light.
Foolish baby, Fool! Can’t you see that every girl tries to please you? Fool….
Don’t go….
The Devil
***
He who hides from death is the devil. And all his devils know when death is coming. They sing to the tune of murderers or so they say, and sometimes they whistle as they come by.
Death
***
Death has a way of showing you new things. God is the judgment of death and sometimes it’ll make you see new things even though you’re alive. So now; go see with your new eyes.
To be haunted by ghosts are the ghosts of your memories; the type of people who tend to stay in your mind. Forever. Your ghost has a devilish smile. It’s not demonic, but it hints at it. My last remembrance of you is your black hair and soft Mediterranean skin. The reflection of your eyes are dark-brown. The kind of brown that forms the root of my heart making it pump faster and harder and your hair the color of almost the blood-soaked sun hinting highlights of dyed blond. What I cannot understand is why we have to be apart at such a bad time. It’s momentous glimpses like these where I can still recall you. I don’t mind these subliminal glimpses but how I do miss you. Sometimes I wish we never really had to be apart. I love being with you because by making me happy it’s like you put the brightest constellations into the empty recesses of my soul and your love sends bright red roses that bloom in Summer into my life. It is Summer. Almost about the day you left this room. Somehow the ghosts like me to know it when it is dark in the middle of the night. Your ghost haunts me in the room I sleep in. The room you used to sleep in. Shadows eerily creep into the room at night and I pretend not to see your face around the corners of each corridor. I can’t pretend that I haven’t cried since you’ve left. The picture of you echoes out my name. Even in the room I can still feel your lingering presence. I notice that staring at the walls as I sit on the couch do not help as I clutch a fist to my chest; my heartbeat resounding as your heartbeat in the voidless, desolate spaces of the cold, dark room. My destitution despite not looking for you is like looking for a lost child. I feel that I am now searching for something that can never be found. My eyes watery; my tears dripping down like falling constellations. I stand up and go back into the room. My sobs can be heard through the now lifeless doorways of the hall. I slowly suffocate into the bed. The room has come to life and the door is now creaking. Beads of sweat pour down my face into the room. Every gasp coming from deep inside my chest defining my fright in memory of you. I stay up staring into the distance glancing sideways; eyes wide open. She wept tears. They were the kind of tears for that special someone that haunted her at night. in conclusion, she couldn’t tell what kind of tears they were whether they were tears of unequivocal joy, sadness, depression or hatred. She couldn’t understand what kind of tears they were anymore and that left her broken, and cold. She felt pain substantially every night whenever these tears would come, and inasmuch, her stomach lurched of the longing for him to come back to her.
The sun is golden where a river flows to it silently into the mist while the sands shift into a reckless and quiet little storm over the desert are full of its rivers and flowers…. There over Egypt lies the desert sand and its rivers that used to flow…. Its stormy sands drifting now over the sea’s mist…. The river goes on and on and never stops. Beyond the sand and over the river, you will remember me when the green grass sways over Rome where the trees once bore fruit….He reminded me of clouds racing throughout the night and sometimes he reminded me of the sea. I lost my heart to you in the summer. I think of the sea. I write this as my summer song as a memoir to you and me. You were just a boy with tattoos and I was just a girl in a satin dress in summer clothing and just like the sea, my heart was splashed with heartache just as the waves crashed into the rocks nearby. I was just a girl in a satin dress with a tattooed heart. The imagery of the sea comes back to me. I long to visit it and wade through its waters in the hot rays of the sun. I need to cool down while the sun caresses my skin. His hair is dyed golden with his amber eyes like the sun and his eyes are the deep of the ocean.
I am some creature of the sea who swims up every night to kiss the eclipse. But what can I do? I fell in love with the eclipse because even the seas are vast and so is the sky and from the depths of the ocean I come up only to see the darkness and the moonlight as it kisses the ocean while I’m wishing you would come to kiss me.
You annoy me as you melt my heart precariously by smiling at me.
You kick me to the curb to warm up the very recesses of my soul by relentlessly being a father figure.
You humiliate the shit out of me by making me blush.
You ruin me so I could see the bigger picture
And you torment me as you thaw the very coldness of my heart.
You embarrass me when you excite and exhaust the shit out of me.
You blow me up like a balloon and leave me ready to pop only to excite me again!
In other words,
I love you to death.
I love you.
I love you.
I do.
There is a place where I have a soft heart.
It is for the black sheep that could never join into the flock.
I am solely reminded of many a time where I have been kicked to the curb,
Rolled; pushed; kicked in the mud;
Humiliated….
No more tears left to cry.
Where you have left me like a child in the desert to cry alone.
But then you think of me.
You remember me here as the black sheep.
There is a rock where I could have been yours.
There is a stream made where I could have sworn to God I’ve forded it.
But it was already there….
Where for you see I could have been your rock,
Where I could have forded your stream and loved you;
my forever.
There is a sword that strikes the earth where outspringeth love from that earth where I could have been
I could have been that sword and now;
switched upon the hands that loved you that wished to cradle you love;
runneth the cup of my blood slowly, painfully over my snow white hands;
Love that went through fear, love that went through trial; and a simple “I Love you,” was not enough.
This is my forever.
I love how the rain supports you.
I love how the rain supports your body
As it hunches on the pedestal
I am in love with the way your wings enshrine around your body barely touching you so you are not able to fly.
How the night embraces you into the rain.
Angel? You are not able to fly.
Away
From
Me.
And you swore that he could love me more than you.
That he would love me more than life itself.
That I couldn’t live without him and he couldn’t live without me.
You swore by God that I would only love you, well you were absolutely right.
No one could love you like me.
You also swore to God that by your heart everything you said was mine to keep, well now I would like to know what lies beyond that smile you seem to give me every time we meet.
What your laughter meant every time I looked at you.
How I make you feel.
I want to know, and if it is not right to demand this of you, tell me and I’ll know you do not love me.
But I swear you loved me once.
This I do swear upon.
And I do wanna kiss you.
I’d wait forever….
Forever and always to us both….
I swear.
But you do love me.
Swear it
I am waiting for the day that you’ll come back to love me again.
Well, you did.
I love it when you smile,
And you’re my bonus when as soon as I get home tonight.
I love when you love me because you bring warmth and you’ve loved me when I wasn’t loved.
But now I am here waiting in vain.