He/you wanted to cradle me like a child….
The moment; the day that I met you I started dreaming.
And when you looked at me….
It looked like you saw an angel and that we for one second were almost about to kiss.
Then you looked sad as the moment with you nearly faded.
And that’s when I knew….
He/you wanted to kiss me in places where I wanted to be kissed.
And I just stood there; loving him/you.
You’d tell me I was a hurricane and that I bring up your sun.
Then you’d tell me I was like your moon.
You’d say be free for once from this life.
I’d laugh and say you’re crazy.
I love you.
I love you.
And you’d tell me I was your everything and more.
I’d say that this was a love story; our story.
I’d tell you to tell me you love me.
You’d laugh and say only time.
Then you’d turn around and ask me to marry you.
I’d say only time.
Some say that you’re like a hurricane on stormy shores.
But I was the wind that brought you.
And we both created the perfect storm.
The sunlight hits your eyes.
And somewhere I am at the beach on a starry night swimming while you build castles in the sky and here I am connecting stars.
And if we should meet.
I’d say it was always you.
There’s not a day that I do not wish not to be with you.
I wish on shooting stars so that I may one day see you.
You are always forever in my dreams.
And though we are apart,
I still wish for you.
And it’s you I see.
And it was out of your petty purity I couldn’t love you. Poison was picked at your merciless glances and glimpses and then I laughing saw your purity was gone and diminished.
And if it was pure, I think purity would
Purely
Be
Insulted.
Because darling;
You and I were the sweetest ones….
and you couldn’t tell if you picked me and I couldn’t tell if I was already poisoned by your spell.
I think of you and I know how happy I am.
But I could be happier and happily married.
To him.
You can carry your bride into the sea.
Thanks to you I can finally breathe.
I know I was the only one in love now because deep in your heart it wasn’t me.
Your heart was never mine to be.
So at my angry heart you smothered me so my anger to seethe.
For your bride and you to be, go drown and drop again from hell and no longer be concerned with me.
And in my mind it was pure, but blind bliss….
How can I be so Goddamned blind?
I wasn’t the face that you’d ever really miss.
I felt like a virgin most pure when you hit me with a kiss….
Thanks for the only holy thing that felt like this.
I am okay I’ve just never felt like your kiss could ever be a never ending abyss.
The ending you gave me felt more like a hiss.
And I felt a blind love that wasn’t and my life fell apart when you danced with her in never ending bliss.
You’re only welcome when I’m in a crowded room of an abyss.
I can never be your stardust angel like this.
They were pray tell a lover’s kiss.
But you never told me that I’d been the one you’d diss.
You’re always the one I’d love like this.
I always thought you were the first and last thing my innocence would kiss.
Into your eyes I fade into a never ending abyss.
He was born beautiful and in between us stood initially iniquities of his own past.
Whether it was holding him he felt nothing.
Whether it was loving him; he felt he had to give.
Loving him through his chains; his boundaries; his flaws.
He could never get over his past.
Believing all women to be sexually explicit and indispensable; he let himself love me.
And I couldn’t find the chance to tell him how much I loved him.
I loved him so much but he….
He was broken but beautiful.
He was trashed in his past. Disposed of by his own family name but so strong and carelessly, lovingly beautiful.
He had an angel face and the masculine body of a real man.
He was stripped of his pride and the promises of new life lay broken.
His heart a never-ending mess.
I wanted to hold his inner-child.
To cradle his innocence unknown to everyone else who had broken him.
To fight for his honor.
To love him.
Although; I knew he could never love me back.
It was time for dinner. The girl with the doll face and the mousy unkept hair was getting ready. She felt timid and her heart was very light. She was very happy. But somewhere in the midst of being happy was the unknowable; the uncertainty. Inside another room Kristoffer was making a phone call. The girl who looked like a doll did not have much of anything to get by and tonight, Kristoffer’s father, Dr. Craven Schroeder would never let her forget how nothingness came. How little she was and how poor she had been. I think it was a Fall semester of how nothingness came to be when Mary remembered how life came to her and nothing good happened it was like the opposite of magic realism, where giving never occurred to her. Nobody gave her anything and Kristoffer rescued her from that life. Tonight, it was time to give. She had no money and she was n a green skirt with a white blouse. Kristoffer kissed her forehead and said he loved her in her new clothes and soon, it was a night only she would remember.
“Don’t worry, he does this every time.” He patted her head reassuringly and before she took on the clothes he had given her, she’d be the one to ask.
“Is this the last time I’ll clean for you? Will I ever see you again after tonight?
Kristoffer did not sit down beside her this time. He did not lean over to kiss her forehead and sing to her in Latin.
“No sweetie.” He said by the door. “Hurry and get dressed.”
Kristoffer sat right next to his father. Dr. Craven Schroeder leaned over to look at her as Mary looked down on her feet. Tonight, they ordered steak and kidney beans.
Snow started falling outside of the restaurant and Dr. Schroeder asked in Latin in his finest suit, “Well, son. Aren’t you going to address her?”
He smiled delightfully at Mary. Mary shakily got the fork and started unwrapping it from the napkin that was folded neatly on the table and put the napkin in her shirt halfway onto her breast. Dr. Schroeder then glanced at her and started speaking in Italian and when she understood a little bit of it, Kristoffer chided her to speak.
“What does your cousin call you?” he asked in Latin.
“She calls me the ugliest one of the bunch.” she replied back.
He looked around as if anyone was looking.
“Where does your father work?” He asked in an American accent.
She smiled.
“My father is a kind of like a cop and I’m very proud of him. He might get promoted too.”
She grinned. She was very happy and suddenly her bowl of soup drenched all over the blouse that Kristoffer gave her.
He had poured it on her. Poor Mary was unable to compete. Kristoffer looked on but she could not speak. Her mouth was dry before she could even touch her soup. Another woman had come to the table in dark blue rompers. She looked highly sophisticated and her hair was down with curls. She had a very nice but warningly calm face as though she were about ready to snap at anybody. She had the look of an American.
“You.” He sighed. “Where is your money?” He demanded.
Mary gaped and he quickly closed her mouth with his own hands.
He grinned. Kristoffer then started flirting with the girl next to Mary.
They had a one-hour conversation before Mary could even leave.
Dr. Craven Schroeder then let Mary out and left her outside to call her father who had almost beat her to death.
It wasn’t then until they had reached the gas station that Mary’s mouth was covered in blood and soup because of her father who kept punching her. Nobody at the gas station would help except for another man who was half-drunk who I suppose was celebrating their son’s liberation into the army.
And so Mary left her father’s homestead and joined the army to become a skilled killer and never looked back.
“Come on Mary! Get your things!” her father said as he kept pushing her to the side in his grey pickup truck.
Kristoffer was at the front door were she knocked and suddenly he said, “Don’t ever come back. I don’t ever wanna see you coming here again. Only to tend the garden if you’re in love with me so much.”
She never really did. Years passed and the garden she tended to. She grew up there exploring the poisons he grew from his hand.
They never talked.
Again.
She grew stronger and saved his family throughout the years. But that mental trauma, the beatings, the angst. still there. While Mary’s mind wandered and she never wanted the feeling again. Only the times where Kristoffer was holding her. Only the times when she felt limp in his arms like a doll. Only the times when her heart leapt up when she was able to see him. Only the times when she ever felt too heavy in his arms. Only the times when he cuddled her. Only the times when he apologized to her and taught her to love the water.
He had been murdered b his maid and it was all Mary could think about.
Only the time when she truly felt wanted.
When all she wanted to do was drown in him.
Forever.
Mary would never forget.
Because she knew that Kristoffer wanted to fade away with her too.
She wanted his innocence.
She wanted his grief.
She wanted to know his thoughts.
She wanted to know everything.
He was all she was looking for.
And she couldn’t find him.
It seems like I’ve seen your face before for a thousand times.
It seems like you’ve kissed my lips a thousand times more and that sometimes you’d tell me about the moon and why it stood so high in the sky.
I’d burn a thousand times more just to feel the touch of your lips on mine.
It seems like we’ve met more than once.
That I’ve touched you more than once.
I dream I’m making love to you and touching your face and caressing your hair.
I’m now left missing you.
Missing every inch of your face.
I’m missing every single day now that I’m here with or without you.
And I am still burning.
For you.
As I always say, and I’ll be saying it to you every time,
I feel like I’ve known you some place.
But I don’t know where…..
There are those blue moons and sometimes there aren’t.
An empty corridor where footsteps once ran.
A broken bottle someone from somewhere had drunk from.
And then there are those nights; those starry nights with you.
Chances are you’ll see me in your dreams where you’re in mine.
Somewhere; on a blue moon.
I look at you like a storm’s about to hit because in the end, I’ll be the one clinging to you.
I look at you like a tsunami’s going to hit because I know I’d rather drown with and within you.
I look at you as though the world is ending because I know that I would’ve ended it with you.
In other words, I look at you like I’m always dying inside slowly because you’re the only thing I wanna see at the end.
I look at you because I never knew I was slowly falling in love.
She was conflicted in her past;
Now tangled up in memory….
Her heart broken; left to die.
Your soul attracts me
in ways that others cannot.
I love your goofy
smile and I do. Love always.
Because you say you love me.
Eat me.
Devour the forbidden poison of flowers through my warm mouth.
Feel me.
I want your sword thrust all over my
soft, wet, warm garden of lush flowers.
Go slow with me as you thrust the sword in harder.
Delve deeper and outpouring your sweetness allowing to thrust you sword inside me; thrust harder.
Numb me raw and senseless
As I push my fingernails into your earth.