It hurts because you’d still want me
Even though everything I’ve done felt like a back-stab.
I don’t understand how this came to have happened
It was like I was stolen in this game of hearts
I could be choosing heaven over hell;
Fire over ice,
But I don’t care.
But remember that I did love you and you don’t owe me to be so alone….
because I love you
You’ve robbed me of my heart.
You took away the very breath I breathe.
I’m trying to love you but it’s so hard to do just that.
Loving you is causing me to become a reminder of what past I had.
It’s like being alive but not breathing when the very fibers of my heart belongs to you
There’s nothing that would make me feel more or less happy than to see you again.
My prolonging of feelings makes me so very misshaped that I lose the very essence of sanity.
Instead, I am like a madman wandering
But deep down in my mind you’re still in it and the very contents of my soul reside in you.
I am trying to grasp what lies now hidden in my heart.
Like a robber and a thief; glimpses are stolen and life by no means has a cause because it lies behind tinted windows and doesn’t mean a thing.
Stop talking about temporary forevers.
In my life they never seem to happen like they should.
I will wait willingly until forever is just not temporary anymore.
Stars never die some people say, but they diminish. They diminish into this vast space making stardust.
Admit it. I was never your stardust angel to begin with.
And when I found that there were things and places and people greater than me,
I guess I had given up.
I broke down and realized that even after everything that was said and done,
I gave up because I could never be your stardust angel.
I will wait for you willingly; until forever becomes forever.
Until dimming stars diminish.
But forget about all this talk about temporary forevers and stars….
Because it came to the point where you were my reason to breathe.
I can’t remember a day I was young. Only now I get these mere glimpses of myself as a child.
“Will you remember me as we get older?”
It’s been a couple of years since Patricio died.
“Do you remember me when we were young?”
Patricio was out there talking to me as though I wasn’t the one who had watched him grow from a young boy into a man.
“Still. Why won’t you let me touch you Angie?”
He put his hand on my lap.
“Is it because….???”
I closed my eyes as I flicked my second to last cigarette butt on the floor.
The radio played.
“My gosh the music changes.”
My younger brother was a CIA agent.
He helped from time to time.
My sanity was all I had at the time, but the times were changing.
My brother was soon leaving to Washington state.
My second youngest going to Hawaii to invest in some bills from our mother from out of American state.
My two other brothers were in the military doing time.
First my boyfriend John, then Patricio.
I deteriorated knowing I’d lose my sanity.
Soon there’d be no replacement for me too in Washington state so I packed what little I had and followed my younger brother back to Washington.
I missed Patricio a lot.
It’s been a long time since O’Daley died in a car accident.
Hell. We were all ex-CIA before Patricio died.
***
It was a clear Louisiana morning. Patricio just went into a nearby record shop.
My god he was hot.
He had every girl’s eyes on him.
Fucking heartthrob.
“I’m looking for a Miss Megan Hart Certeza.”
A dark skinned man came out to greet him.
I can’t tell you where she is sir.
Mr. Dupree was not one to tell them all my secrets.
Patricio wasn’t easily going to go. Patricio grinned whipped out his gun and held it to Mr. Dupree\\\’s head.
One thing about Dupree was that he was the family\\\’s shapeshifter and Patricio knew that. But Patricio, one thing about him was that he was very fast so he whupped him with the gun and now he lies dead right where the spiders wanted him.
Dupree used to tell me,
“Every fly’s weakness is honey.”
Patricio didn’t know that because I never told him what Dupree told me to tell him.
I thought Dupree was a’lyin to me.
You see Particio drove a motorcycle almost all the time.
“Every night Pato, I have this dream that you’re in a motorcycle crash.”
“Really Megan? Me?”
I scoffed.
“Well someday you\\\’re gonna crash that thing…. Pato.”
He looked up into the night sky as if he knew. He knew that he’d die.
***
But now that I look back, Patricio was wildly uncontrollable and stubborn.
Patricio was on a plane to Guam.
I feel like I was the last one to see him go.
I had joined the military since 1948.
Ever since my pops left to find mom.
It wasn’t until Frankie Thomas decided to bash him into a car on his motorcycle that I knew my story wasn’t over. Pato had kids and seeing him die put me in a state of shock.
John then died in a car accident played out by Thomas Avila. It was out of control. My friends kept dying everywhere I went.
Dear Pato,
I can’t remember a day I was young. Only now I get these mere glimpses of myself as a child.
Maybe you’ve loved me in another life,
maybe we met in some frosty, snow covered look-alike pale wonderland where you actually held my hands and danced with me in another galaxy….
Maybe we could’ve loved each other where you actually felt feelings for me.
Maybe you didn’t have to push me away and abandon me in this life and forget about me to leave me and my memories to myself….
but honestly; unfortunately; you did.
Maybe in another life you didn’t do all this.
maybe in another life; you cared…..
somehow fate has it in for you and me.
You surround me in light and enshroud me in your goodness.
I love you
and
you’re amazed by me; and I can tell.
Fate will bring me to you and destiny shall soon come to pass.
Your smile; your subtle glimpses, the way your eyes long for me;
that’s how I know I’m loving you tonight…..