I gawked. I was completely not amused. “Oh Sheena.” I muttered to myself. We were in her new pent. Verona Delisle’s pent and I was shocked. It was painful to hear her say that.
“I’ll get your bath ready.” I said quietly as she let her arms collapse around her built, muscular waist.
Sheena looked at me and said “Maria, I’d rather shower. Go write Nikki and Verona a letter for me darling.”
***
It took me a long time to recover and think about what she did. Sheena had just killed her friend. I loved her and she knew it. She saved me form abduction, she killed Nikki. I wrote a letter to Verona and Nikki that night and saved myself from vomiting.
Dear Nikki,
I am impressed and half awed that Sheena would do such a thing. It took me a while to figure out this riddle. Sheena after all is a professional and it is hard to believe that she is your well…. your sister. You would still use the pronoun brother, but Sheena is like a friend. I feel like nothing really had happened between you and Sheena, but I do feel that you had to have loved her in some ways. Please forgive me for I am writing to a man I do not love. It is you. You would never have the balls to stick up for me, and yet Sheena did. Nikki, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate your father and your grandfather for everything and I’m sure Sheena would agree with me.
Sincerely I hate you,
Maria
I sighed and put the pen down.
I thought about what was going to happen next. I wrote to Ms. Delisle.
Dear Verona,
I am so sorry that this had to happen. I know you love Sheena but you should understand that Sheena is what she is and I love her for what a strong woman she is. Please forgive me but, as much as I would love Sheena to love me, she never really will. I understand that Sheena can only be my friend and nothing more.
A sniffle came from my nose and an aching pain formed in the back of my throat. “Oh Sheena.” I muttered. “Why couldn’t you leave it alone?” I was so unsure that Sheena had felt bad about it.
***
There was Sheena smiling on the sofa with her robe ten minutes later with her original hair all disarrayed.
As she sat there smiling, I threw up in the bathroom’s toilet. How could she?
“Sheena, I cannot finish the letter.” I said softly.
Sheena looked up after seriously long pause.
“Why not love?” She asked.
She went on. “Write me something. Poetry. Do you write much love?”
“Yes. Yes Sheena.”
“Good.” She said.
“Begin.”
I was very distressed and concerned.
So, I sat down and wrote about Sheena in a villanelle.
After I was done, I crept up to Sheena and put my head on her lap like a child.
“Sheena?” I asked as she looked down and stroked my hair. “Do you ever get tired of killing?
“Of course, not darling. I did this for you and for my own reasons, and the reason is this. She could not grasp me for who I truly am and I know the pain must be unbearable for you but you I can handle. Plus, she totally disgraced you darling dove.\\\”
I looked up at her and saw her staring into the distance. I then nestled my head again on her lap.
“We could almost get caught.” I said breathlessly.
I got up quickly and gave her my poem.
He is the never-ending maze I want to love endlessly.
He is the book I want to read.
The love I’ve searched for secretly.
I watch him breathlessly.
Thinking how the dancing ends without heed.
The road I want to pursue oh so painfully.
I go on about my days uselessly.
But there is a book I wanna read.
I think of you and pick up your maze of a book and die in it delightfully.
I love you madly.
When we meet, I shall plant you my seed like many other men and women before me so take heed.
I love you truly.
As I waltz into your maze silently
As I plant the maze of my seed
With my love I shall leave you easily.
And I shall love you steadfastly.
When she was done reading it. I took off my clothes as she leaned in to kiss me and with that, she quietly fucked me.
What felt like forever in her arms was totally rendered useless. The next thing you know, she was gone during breakfast time probably going out with another man or a woman. Sometimes she would bring in other men, sometimes she wouldn’t. Sometimes there were women and sometimes there weren’t. Sheena was very picky on who she was going to have sex with because Sheena liked dominating her men when it came to sex roles.
In other words, she liked hearing them squeal and moan from time to time. When it came to humping someone’s butt it would be Sheena. When it had come to women, she would usually save them for later as a snack.
Sheena was very clean. OCD if you must. I figured because everything was orderly and clean. Sheena was a neat freak. I would often let her clean on her own as she preferred doing, but sometimes I had helped her out.
On some occasions she’d kill a person and ask me to help her clean when the sex got rough. Interestingly enough, we’d never really get caught.
I kept writing poetry. One time I caught Sheena sitting outside beneath a full moon and got inspired.
He looked at the moon and looked at her possessing a power so deep that at once, he was in love. He was in love with Selene.
For once in his life, he knew that women could bring down the stars and make hurricanes out of small gusts of wind.
He called to his lover.
As he called to her in the wind, he looked at the moon and thought of the goddess Selene.
Clouds flooded throughout the night cluttered against the moon.
he felt himself disintegrating, flying into the sky.
He had the wings of Icarus.
Only his wings were attached to his body.
He was made of stardust.
Sheena loved my poetry and I didn’t mind sharing it with her. She was like some secret waiting to be held. But she never shared with anyone why she was what she was and I respected her privacy.
One night a drunk businessman came in and paid her to fuck him as usual. He stayed for a couple of nights as I served breakfast until one night, he found Sheena without her wig on and got so fucking pissed that he started Puchong the fuck out of her. I took a knife quickly from the kitchen and stabbed him to death. I didn’t care how many times I stabbed him but Sheena panted really hard.
I was irritated.
“Sheena!” I yelled. “Are you okay? Is this okay?!”
Sheena turned wild at me and I had expected her to hit me but this time I did not care.
“Sheena you fucking idiot! Did you notice how drunk he was! Didn’t you use your pronouns correctly?!”
I then looked down and shook wildly with my bloodstained fingers and my hands covering my face. Sheena looked mortified as I stalked off into the room. Sheena ran after me.
“Maria! Maria! It wasn’t like that!” She yelled.
I locked the door to the room.
“Maria honey! I promise I’ll be more responsible!”
We didn’t have girl’s night tonight and we certainly didn’t share our bed as usual.
The next morning came. I awoke to hear I’ve Got a Crush On You by Frank Sinatra. While Sheena was singing or rather belting it out. I went out of the room to the smell of burning bacon and eggs.
Sheena turned of the stove and turned around.
“Ah! Darling there you are!”
I noticed her wig was off.
“Where’s your hair?”
‘Honey,” she smiled. “no more visitors for now.”
My eyes twitched.
“Sheena?” I asked sternly but quite calm.
“How are you ever going to be a woman when you cannot cook?”
“Well, darling life of the party ja ja.”
We looked at each other across the marble countertop. We both laughed. He went around the countertop and took me in his arms as we began to dance.
***
Finally, Sheena told me the whole situation.
Sheena and her friends one night were out drinking and this obese businessman was hitting heavily on her, and that the two were not easily acquainted. He kept yelling loudly over the music that he wanted to get to know her, to know where she had lived. Sheena then told him that she was a man and in one way had a way of tracking her down.
***
Sheena was never into games but she said something about him sparkled in him. I didn’t know what that meant after all that bastard did, but it seemed very genuine for the businessman to have an interest in her. Sheena was a murderer no doubt but she loved people who had this spark.
“So, you did use your pronouns correctly on him but he still said he wanted you?” I asked inquiringly.
“He reminded me of my father. I guess I have a knack for pointing that out in men.’ She just shrugged.
“That is exactly why I get so angry. People who take advantage of you.” I said loosely staring into the distance. I never thought that his father hit home.
“So, you loved your father?” I asked as she went into the kitchen and got a wine bottle out.
“He loved me in some ways.” She said, “You remind me of my mother.” She said as she drank the wine.
I stared off into the distance.
“You know I would never take advantage of you Sheena. I love you as a friend and I would never think of letting you go downhill.”
Sheena suddenly put the wine bottle down.
“You know what? Do you even know what it is like to go fucking downhill?”
“Jesus Sheena. Here we go again.”
“No. All I’m saying is I’m lucky to be alive other than out on the streets! And here you are saying that you would never let me go downhill Maria?”
I stopped looking into the distance.
“Well then what exactly do you mean?”
“Maria love, I have always been downhill. Right from the beginning of the time my father pulled me out of a bar and told me that it was no place to be a woman! Ever since my mother died! You have no idea what it’s like to be alone! All of your life!”
I looked at her.
I got up and took her hands into mine.
“Sheena.” I said weakly. “I understand.”
I sat back down and Sheena followed as she was being held by me. She cried silently and I could tell that this adorable woman in a man’s body was on her own pursuit of happiness. And so, I was on mine.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m trying my best to be strong mom.”
Sheena was hysterical. Sobbing and gently pounding the floor on my lap.
“I am trying to preserve my mother! It’s so hard!” She wailed.
“Sheena it’s alright. Shhhhh.”
I held her really close to my heart. She was the sweetest transsexual one could ever meet. I finally understood. She had to be strong for her mother, God bless her soul. I had to be strong for Sheena. Sheena’s life was a wreck, and I wanted to fix her. I wanted to cheer her on and be with her. I wanted to explore her mind. To delve deep into the cracks of her soul and create bridges in them.
I wanted more of her mind in mine. I wanted to be the type of person that she could rely on instead of me having to rely on her all the time. I loved her for who she was as a man and a woman. I wanted to be leveled with her; to fill her void.
I did not just want her to have me for her sexual entertainment, I wanted to be a mother-like figure for her to be strong for and I also wanted her to be strong for only herself.
For the next few days, it was pretty stagnant. Sheena kept pushing me away, and for some odd reason after she had confessed that I was like her mother she started fighting with me instead. I didn’t care. I now know she didn’t mean it because she had a habit of sleeping in the bed with me and snuggling up to my breasts.
She was like a kitten. Always combing and braiding my hair. Styling it and applying careful dabs of makeup.
“My mother used to wear makeup you know.”
“Really?”
“Mmm Hmm.”
“Sheena? Do I really remind you of your mother?” I asked carefully.
She looked at me as though she might fall apart.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “I was just wondering.”
Sheena sighed.
“I do wish sometimes to see her again at least.”
She patted my head and went into the bathroom and dabbed her eyes with a towel and came back with eye shadow.
Before I knew it, it was time to go.
***
It wasn’t really a party. Kind of like a soiree. Sheena this time did not put on her wig and wore men’s clothes instead. When it was time to dance, Sheena stood leaning on the wall.
***
We went back to the pent as soon as we left the party. Sheena was very tired and so was I. Sheena and I lay in bed with our party clothes on and slept.
***
I was very grateful for Sheena’s hospitality but I just couldn’t stay there forever. Everything seemed like a blur. I awoke and I made coffee for breakfast along with some biscotti. I was hoping Sheena would come back soon. Hopefully she had not been man-scoping again.
Three whole hours.
I went downstairs hoping that I would find something to distract me from my impatience. I went for a stroll in the car and went into Central Park. The smell of oak and pine was very nice. I savored it wondering what Sheena was up to.
Six whole hours plus three and counting.
It took me six hours to walk around the whole park. Three hours to sleep for a while. It was already nine o’clock in the evening. I had been getting ready to go to sleep.
***
The next day, still no Sheena. I couldn’t find her anywhere. I went downstairs into the lobby which was crowded with people. It felt like a dream. I went back upstairs because I found that there was a function going on.
***
I noticed that there was something wrong. Sheena was not there. I burst into her room with her things. Had it all been a dream? I wished that Sheena would have left a note. I missed her at times when it was night. I missed cuddling against her. I missed the smell of her perfume.
It just lingered there in the penthouse until it was gone. I kept checking the man at the desk downstairs. No letters; there was nothing.
***
I picked up cleaning utensils and started cleaning the pent. There was nothing like utter silence to get me through the day. Sheena’s motorcycle was gone. Ere was a letter for me
***
I went downstairs only to find that that there was a letter for me from Sheena.
Dear Maria,
I am sorry but I cannot afford to be playing games with you. After all, I am a woman and I am very sure that you can handle everything on your own since we are both. Understand me when I say I never meant to hurt you or anybody. You may think my actions childish and irresponsible but I left out of the conscience of my heart. I cannot stay here with you knowing that I may love you till I die and that is just not for me.
I cannot stay here anymore with you. I have to be true to myself in my pursuit of happiness.
Love,
Sheena
That was when she broke me, and when she broke my friendship. But she had also broke my heart and had left me to cry.
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